Information may be the most valuable gift you can give your family...

12 THINGS TO DO FOR YOUR FAMILY
(WHILE YOU CAN)

By Roger McManus, Jr.
Executive Director
The Center for Intergenerational Communication (CFIC)

The Story of Beth

Elizabeth was not a spry 72, but she was in reasonably good health. She sat down to watch the Price is Right as she did every day and fell asleep. But, today, she did not wake up.

Beth did not plan to die . At least, not today. She had buried her husband only a year earlier and was just getting used to the quiet. Her late husband John had Alzheimer's and his death, while emotionally devastating, was not a total surprise to anyone. Beth's was more than a shock, if not to her, to every member of her family.

The problem was, Beth did not plan to die. She had much unfinished -- and undisclosed -- business. Her last will was written with John over 25 years ago. The named executors were both already dead. It was widely speculated there was another will, but no one knew if it really existed, or, if it did, where it was. Such were the secrets that Beth kept. Secrets that destroyed her family.		John and Beth

This was such a shock to me. Beth was my mother-in-law. I only had one experience of losing a parent when my Dad died in 1995. He, and we, knew he was going to die -- just not when. Dad had Lou Gherig's Disease (ALS) and it ravaged his once finely-honed body for six years. But, as his body withered, he planned for the day he would not be with us.

Unlike Alzheimer's or other memory-related disorders, ALS generally does not impact mental function. Dad was as mentally alert in the prison of his non-responsive body on the day he died as he was the day he was diagnosed. Once it was clear that this was a trip from which he would not return, he very rationally wrote down, while he could write, or had Mom write for him when later he couldn't, everything she would need to know when he was gone.

It was not a fancy book, but it was a treasure for my mother. She knew exactly what they owned and what they owed. And, it made planning his memorial and funeral very easy, too. He had no need of expensive trappings. He was clear that money was not to be wasted on such things. He would have died all over again if he thought we would place him in a $10,000 box to be covered with dirt. He was very clear. And, he wrote it down.

Age Matters Not

While both my dad and Beth were in their 70's when they died, Terri Schaivo was not. She was barely into her 30's when she finally died after ten years on life support. The thing that made Terri's story so much a part of the public debate was the question of what she wanted. Her husband claimed she had told him that she would not want life support if she were vegetative. Her parents, as you would expect, wanted to hang on to any vestiges of life she had. The debate made it all the way to the U.S. Congress. And, into all of our hearts.

No one outside of those who knew and loved Terri Schaivo would ever know her name today if she had simply done what was necessary to make her wishes clear. And, as a result of her story, millions of people have taken that action step. They have written their wishes down and told their families.

But, there is so much more to it than that. This article is about all of the things that you need to do for your family before you are not able to do so. Whether, as in Terri Schaivo's case where she was "alive" but could not communicate, or as in the case of Elizabeth whose nap, unexpectedly, never ended.

What Should You Do?

I am writing this article because Beth Hayes died. I saw the impact on her family immediately and in the years since. That family will never recover the hurts borne of secrets -- and selfishness. Not only was there no consensus on her funeral arrangements, the other secrets she took to her grave created irresolvable differences.

There are at least 12 things you should do now to prevent this heartache. Sure, there are difficult decisions to be made. Naturally, not everyone will be in agreement with the decisions you end up making. But, if you can make your intentions clear while you are alive and clear-headed, the rough spots, if any, can be worked out in a rational way. In the end you are the ultimate arbiter about what happens to you and your "stuff". You know where everything is that your family will need immediately should you become ill or die. You will be able to give guidance to the distribution of your lifetime collection of possessions. You have the opportunity to leave a legacy of a family in concert, not tatters.

ONE: ORGANIZE EVERYTHING

It may be that you did a great job of planning your affairs. You have your will in good shape, Powers of Attorney in place, pre-planned your funeral and arranged for the donation of your organs. A problem only arises when your careful plans cannot be found and you are not available to ask.

This is exactly what happened in Beth's case. It is almost certain that she had a new will. But, if it surfaced, it very well could have been destroyed by the more insidious faction of her family who would benefit by it not seeing the light of day. We will never know.

The point? Organize your documents into a single location and tell all of the effected members of your family where it is and how to access it. You may still keep certain elements of the documents private (See suggestion 12), but everyone will know that the documents exist and where they are. It keeps everyone informed -- and honest.

Still, there are some things that should be known and discussed openly prior to your final departure that will keep the peace. I will talk about those in a minute.

TWO: GIVE SPECIAL ATTENTION TO MEDICAL RECORDS

This is especially important if you are older and widowed. Keep sealed copies of your medical information in several places such as your primary physician's office, your attorney's office and in the hands of your children, trusted neighbors and clergy. Over prepare on this subject because it can literally mean the difference between life and death. It can certainly speed the assistance you need in an emergency.

John, Beth's husband and my wife's father, had Alzheimer's. He could no more assist in his own medical treatment than a child. Long before I ever started writing on this subject, my wife, Patsy, created a notebook for him. It had all of his medicines, doctors, treatments, insurance data, vital information and emergency plans written down. On the day John took his first step toward eternity and we rushed him to the hospital, Patsy simply handed this notebook to the emergency room nurse and every question was answered. I will never forget her saying to Patsy, "You are the only one who has ever been this prepared when they came here!"

THREE: YOU HAVE INSURANCE, WHERE IS THE DOCUMENTATION?

It was only three months ago when I got the call. The director of the assisted living center where my mother has lived since shortly after Dad died was calling to tell me about an accident my mother had in her car. It seems that after dropping a piece of mail intended for the drive-by mail slot, she opened the door, reached for the escaping letter and allowed her right foot to slip off the brake and onto the accelerator.

She took a terrifying 50 foot trip across the Post Office parking lot and into a light stand of trees. Her Volvo was built for such eventualities (and was repaired long before she was) and everything would have been fine. Except her left leg was still outside the car when it took off. She not only caught it in the door, which broke her leg, the little stumps of trees that were formed when the car plowed them down, ripped into her exposed flesh. At 83 she was lucky to survive!

When the ambulance arrived, she had her injured leg propped up through the driver's side window (so all her blood would not run out, she later explained). She was calmly talking on her cell phone arranging for the local vet to pick up her cat and her dog since she assumed she would not be home that night. Nor was she home for the next 80 nights, either. Yet, today with the assistance of a walker -- just to be sure, she says -- she is healthy and (almost) as active as ever.

And, for those of you wondering ... No, I did not "take her keys away". She hung them on the hook of her own volition with out a moment's discussion of the subject.

All of this story is to introduce my disucssion of insurance. I immediately drove down to Charleston, checked in on her at the hospital, and started to help with her affairs. There was Medicare, Medicare Part B, Medicare Part C, Long-term care insurance for in-patient services, Long-term care for post-discharge services, Automobile insurance for fixing her car, Replacement insurance for a car while hers was being repaired and on and on.

Following in my father's example, (and using a system his example helped me develop -- click over to see it here) Mom had everything organized so I could find it within a very short period of time. Everything was exactly where she told me it would be. And, she told me this six months before her accident.

FOUR: LEAVE A PAPER TRAIL

You have the right to make any decisions you want to about your finances. The only time your decisions come into question is when they are no longer your finances, they are your heirs'. While you may seek the advice of other family members, as long as you are of sound mind, you do not have to gain the approval of anyone to make any decisions you choose.

That being said, however, you should make records of your decisions so there will not be disagreements of "what you meant to have happen" when you are not in a position to make it clear. If you loaned your late husband's tools to a neighbor, was it a gift or a loan? Should they be returned to be split up among your children who may have a more sentimental view of Dad's old hammer and saw? Your neighbor may have "heard" you say (whether or not you actually said it) that you were "getting rid of" them. The consternation between your neighbor and your children after your death may have unintended consequences. Making notes about your intentions will make things clear. And, they do not have to be a codicil in your will to make your wishes known.

I hate to continue to use my late mother-in-law as an example, but she made a much more tragic omission that loaning old tools. I won't go into the dynamics of the family, but suffice it to say, poor Beth found it impossible to say 'no' to one of her children (not my wife!). This son's business seemed to always be in need of additional funds. Because Beth and John worked most of their lives to save for retirement, they had a succulent little nest egg that was ripe for picking. And, though there were (apparently) many promises that all of the co-signed loans would be repaid as well as the borrowed credit cards as well as the re-mortgages on the rental property, none of it was written down.

On the day she died, the debts from this unconscionable relationship were in excess of $140,000. And, payments were not being made. Her retirement income couldn't cover the interest on the unpaid debts, much less the principal. Collectors called incessantly in the days after her death while the family had gathered to prepare for her interment. What little inheritance the children would have divided as spelled out in her 25-year-old will was more than totally gone.

And, the son, in the absence of any paperwork to the contrary, now claimed the loans were gifts. To make matters worse, Beth had signed a Power of Attorney for this son making his use of her credit facilities totally legal. The creditors could not chase Beth into the grave -- and could not touch the living, either. There was no paper trail.

FIVE: KEEP ALL YOUR HOUSES IN ORDER

For those without large real estate holdings, this is not much of an issue. But, even if you only own your home, making the documentation of that ownership (deeds and mortgage papers) easy to access is important. The larger the holdings, the greater the issue, of course. If ownership is shared with others, there is generally enough documentation to sort things out. If shared ownership is not disclosed to family members anxiety-creating scenarios could arise.

Such a situation happened to a neighbor not too long ago. One child needed a little more help than the others getting established. Without disclosing it to other family members, the parents took a title interest in the house this adult child purchased. Only when the last parent died did it become an issue which raised unpleasantness. Of course, there were many family dynamics going on that had nothing to do with real estate, but the non-disclosure certainly exacerbated the situation.

In the above situation, it was really not anyone's business who did what for whom. And, I am only assuming the parents intended to divide their property equally among their children (and I could be wrong about this). I do know that other siblings came away feeling that the one child had "gotten extra" and years early. Funerals tend to start all sorts of conversations that should never take place.

SIX: WHO IS GOING TO GET YOUR "STUFF"?

George Carlin has a skit about your "stuff". The things that if you were not in your home at the moment and you were asked to list on a legal pad, you would not be able to remember half of. The stuff you would never list in a will.

Everyone has "stuff". Some of it is valuable. Some of it is junk. Some of it is junk that has emotional value. I have lots of that. My wife still calls it junk. But, I love it. And, I want my daughter to love it, too. Or, my grandson. Or, some of my closest friends who would value my collection of Wake Forest football ticket stubs.

But, let's talk about the important stuff for a minute. I mean stuff that others would agree is valuable. The stuff family fights are made of. Yeah, I have an example for that, too. I will be less than specific because I know these people well and I do not wish to start the very discomfort I am trying to forestall by writing this in the first place.

The decedent is the patriarchal grandmother. She had declined in health and was moved in to live with her son. Her "stuff" came with her. Among that "stuff" was a silver dish. Not particularly valuable in pawn shop terms, just a family piece that she had owned. Claiming rights are unclear, but upon her death two of the son's adult children (that would be her grandchildren if you are keeping up with this) laid claim on this silver dish. I won't bore you with the rationale for each position. Suffice it to say, it was apparently important to both children for some reason.

One of the children got the silver dish and took it home. The other laid claim to it and asked for it to be returned. This conversation was going on as recently as last month. Their grandmother died over 40 years ago!

The story is illustrative of how things you may never think of as being points of contention may turn out to be.

I have seen some older people put little sticky notes on the bottom of every piece of "stuff" they own with the future inheritor's name on it. They decide who gets what by many different means. But, it feels strange when you visit their homes and realize you are visiting with a self-declared, future dead person. Yet such a system does have its merits. Every child and grandchild can pick up any trinket on the hutch and know immediately who is going to get it. Disagreements, if any, can be worked out well in advance of your funeral -- not carried on for decades.

The system I worked out for my mom has a little less showmanship to it. It involves a simple inventory of the things you own. There are pages for every room in the house including the attic and garage. Each page includes space for the item's source, its assumed value at acquisition and what it might be worth today, and who should receive it upon your death. If you want to say why you selected a particular person for a particular item, you may give the gift even greater meaning. If it is in your nature to ask about who wants what and record these things in front of the requestors, all the better. And, while it is certainly your right to keep such lists private, there may be some merit in sharing it. (And, you can still always change your mind!)

In any case, if you record your intentions, you will reduce family strife which you will not be around to mediate. Your decisions may not rest well with all concerned, but they will not be subject to interpretation by those who have a personal stake in interpreting "what you would have wanted" (i.e. She would have wanted me to have that!).

Remember. These are the same kids who have not had a clear idea about what to get you for Christmas for the last ten years. Now they will claim to know "what you would have wanted".

SEVEN: IT IS YOUR FAIRWELL PARTY -- MAKE SURE THE GUEST LIST IS COMPLETE

I guess most people would say the same thing about their own mom's, but I particularly think my mother is special. Not so much because she brought me into this world and kept me fed and got me educated, but because of who she is to people who are not her family. In fact, in those family tiffs we like to forget, the accusation has been leveled at my mother by one or more of her children that (spoken in a whiny to screechy voice) "you think about other people more than you do your own family!!!"

I called my mother on the phone one day and she was less than chipper. At more than 80 years old, less than chipper is a normal state for many of her contemporaries. Not my mom. If she is not feeling chipper, she will fake it so you will never know. Upon inquiry, I learned that one of the elderly Charleston cousins whom my mother knew fairly well had died. That was not what upset her. She was upset that she was just learning of it three weeks after the funeral. Somehow she got left off of the list of people to inform. And, (thankfully!) Mom is not a habitual reader of the obituaries. She felt very hurt by the experience. (After all, she could have burned the family some lasagna!)

So, do your family a favor. When you send out Christmas cards, review your address book, see people at church or mentally run through those you care about, write their names down. If you can, add a phone number. (Bonus!) While you are still with us, it makes a great address book for you, too. After you are not, it is an invaluable asset for those who have so much to do in just a few short days in planning your memorial. Make their job just a little easier.

EIGHT: SPEAKING OF YOUR FAIRWELL PARTY -- YOU GET TO PICK THE MUSIC, TOO!

On the dual subjects of your funeral and "what you would have wanted", you can give your family another great gift. Instead of asking the people you love to grieve and be practical all at one time, you take care of the practical part. After all, you are the one in charge, here. Leave the grieving to them. If you think about it, their grieving is very much a compliment to you. So it is OK, in a way.

Grieving and business decisions, however, are a bad mix. The funeral industry is Billions of dollars better off because of it. People get caught in the trap of not wanting to disrespect the recently departed for fear of looking parcimonious (here in North Carolina we call in "cheap"). And, the practical one in the family will get shot at by those who feel that being pragmatic is disrespectful (cheap).

So make it easy for them. If you are OK with a "pine box" (and they actually sell cardboard these days and use a fancy coffin facade for the service, they just don't bury it), tell your family that. In writing. If you want a church full of lilies, say that, too. But, if you would rather see the money go to educate your grandchildren, let your family know it is OK not to put the florist's kids through school instead.. What the neighbors think really doesn't matter. Let them send expensive flowers if they want to.

If you have a sense of humor, now is the time to be remembered for it. You can turn your funeral from a maudlin event into something that will celebrate the fun things with which you are associated.

Recently, a serious sports fan/couch potato requested that he be laid to rest in his recliner. The family of a renowned sweet tooth passed out goodie bags with jujubes, bubblegum and sour candy at the memorial service. At other funterals, music selections have included "Fly Me to the Moon" and "...A Tear in My Beer".

You can make all the decisions. But, you have to tell someone. And, write it down.

My mother has already picked her method of interment (cremation), the location, the music for the service, the flowers she prefers (in moderation), the officiats, the readings and the time of day. It is all in the system that grew out of my father's thoughtfulness. Click "system" if you want to see more detail before we go on.

NINE: THE THINGS NOBODY EVER THINKS ABOUT

Who gets your cat?
What is the combination to your safe?
What are the passwords to your e-mail, eBay, and PayPal accounts?
Who has the spare keys to your house?
What are the contents of your safe deposit box in case it is sealed by the bank?

Try to think of everything you might not think of if you were not reading this. I created a whole list of mind-joggers for my mother after Beth died. Without some sort of mind-jogger. it is amazing what you won't think to tell your family.

TEN: IF YOU HAVE PREPARED A WILL, WHERE IS IT?

Since only abut 30% of people in the U.S. have prepared wills, for many people the answer is "nowhere". But, from personal experience, not knowing where the will is -- or whether the one you find is the latest document -- having the answer to that question may be one of the most critical of all.

And, if you don't think you have a will, you are wrong. Everyone has a will. If you write it (or have it written) yourself, you know you have one that reflects what you want. If you do not have one you designed, you have one written by your state legislature. You, nor your family, have much control over that.

Have a place for your will. Let those who need to know be aware of your decision.

If you don't have a will, there are very many places on the web where you can get started on line and have your documents reviewed by an attorney familiar with the laws in your state. And, it is not expensive. One source is LegalZoom. I have used their services myself with great satisfaction.

ELEVEN: WRITE IN PENCIL !

Things change. Just because you made certain decisions one day does not mean you can't change your mind the next. Often people get hung up about writing things down because it gives their decisions some sense of permanence. As long as you are alive, you are in control of your situation and your decisions. Keep the eraser handy.

In the case of financial matters, the system I developed for my mother includes a place for her to put her January statements (you can pick your own month) for every bill she gets regularly. Every year she pulls the old statement and puts in a new one -- and adds new accounts she may have set up or pulls the ones she closes. Some day when my sister and I have to settle her affairs, we will know exactly who is owed what and what accounts to cancel to prevent bills from running up for our lack of knowing.

I remember Beth's AOL bill ran for several months after her funeral -- and then they said that in order to cancel it, they had to talk to her personally!

TWELVE: RETAIN YOUR PRIVACY

You might have gotten the idea by now that I am trying to make your life an open book. Not at all. I am not suggesting you have to tell every decision you have made before you are ready. My message is twofold: 1) Make your decisions and write them down, and, 2) Tell members of your family where you have written them down.

After I had worked on the system for my mother for some time, it occurred to me that so much information sitting in a book for anyone to look at is a little too "open" for some people. So when this "notebook for Mom" started to become a real product, I decided to add a level of security to it.

If you have members of your family you cannot rely on to respect your privacy, you may want to take all the things you have written down and place them into the hands of someone you can trust who will hold your documents until they are needed by your family. Alternatively, the device I created for my system is remarkably simple. Each kit comes with a few 1 X 3-inch white labels. You simply sign your name on the label and past it over the Velcro-sealed flap of the box. If the seal is broken, it cannot be resealed without your signature on the label. This does not prevent someone from getting into your private information, but it will let you know that someone has. You will probably know who.

It's time to meet my Mom. When Dad's little notebook became Mom's big notebook and then became my big project, I had little choice but to make her the "cover girl". Take a look below. (I'm the one standing up). OK, so maybe you can't see her too well. Try clicking here for a better view. Not bad for 80+ even if I am a little biased. More importantly, she is more "together" than most people her age.

TWO YEARS OF EFFORT...

We developed this system to give Mom (and us) peace of mind. Starting with the effort my Dad made and with Mom letting me use her as a "guinea pig" we have finally come up with something we think is pretty special. We would like to share it with you and your family. We think you will like it, but we will take the risk. If you are not more than satisfied, simply send it back and your money will be fully refunded.

If you have not already done so, I invite you now to see more about how the system is put together. Please click on the blue arrow below and review the system and its many benefits in great detail. Or, you can take my word for it and go right to the order page. There you can immediately download your pages. Your binder will be mailed immediately with no extra shipping charges. There is no risk. Your credit card will be charged $97. The program is fully guaranteed to meet your satisfaction. For more details, click little arrow in the "Tell Me More" box.

TELL ME MORE

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Thank you for reading about the many dynamics my family that has inspired me to attempt to remove a few of the dynamics from yours. Please feel free to use the resources of The Center for Intergenerational Communication(CFIC) as you plan your estate and subjects way beyond what traditional Estate Planning includes.